Wow, I am writing an entry after a year.
People say that you should be social, but I feel like the more social you become, the more complicated your life becomes because you have to satisfy everyone.
People you truly care about start to misunderstand you, and lack of communication starts to occur. One thinks the other does not care, but the other might simply be hurt by the first person's actions. Such misunderstandings start to escalate, and we keep little things inside us until they are unbearable and then we burst like a balloon.
Maybe this happens because we take each other for granted, and assume and expect for the other person to always be there for us, but then you realize that you are not their first choice person to express feelings, even though you consider them yours. When that happens, it just hits you, and you ponder upon what went wrong. Was it a miss on your part or did you simply drift apart or were you never that close that your friendship could not last such a small turmoil?
I don't know. I don't have any of the answers. But I will say that I try to be considerate of and I try really hard, but some people just don't see it ever. I will certainly not trample on my ego to make someone else happy, but I will do what I can with my self-respect intact.
Also, maybe in every friendship, a time comes when expectations are too high and they are simply not met due to various reasons. Why did the expectations become so high? And who has the right to be disappointed and who doesn't? I suppose who are we to judge? Both parties will think that they are right in their own way. In fact, I have a friend who has been quite disappointed with the kinds of bonds she built in college...in fact, after a while, she simply stopped expecting. I guess the world does that to you when you have been disappointed enough.
For me, that is usually never an issue because I feel like I am a loner at heart and will always be. Maybe I should revert to being one and that will keep me happy. In the past, it did keep me happy and it kept me focused.
Caring too much or being too considerate or being too giving will simply be disadvantageous to you later because nobody ever looks at what the other person has done for you. You only remember the sacrifices you have made, and you won't remember what your friend did in your time or need, or how he/she cheered you up when you were down. Interesting, isn't it? I am guilty of it too, but still...I feel like I take everything into account because I have been there...truly been there.
Maybe I am tired of this little game. I suppose I want friends where I don't hesitate to ask them for anything, and I mean anything. I am quite independent, therefore I never ask people for much...but now I feel like I never ask, but I have given quite a bit. Maybe it is time that I overcome my independence and simply ask what I need. I always shy away from asking for help or even demanding anything because I feel it is for the weak. But everyone likes to be needed. I know I do. I like it when people come to me, so how come I take that liberty away from my friends since I don't ask for much...
Wow, this post is all tangential but that was bound to happen since I am writing after eons. I wonder if I was *that* impacted by the past week that I actually took an initiative to write a post after almost a year.
Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe it was simply delirium.
But I did realize one thing, ego plays such a big factor in everyone's life and especially mine. Maybe ego is the reason people drift. Maybe ego is the reason people don't talk for ages. Maybe ego is the reason why people are willing to change friends rather than change themselves.
My goal from now is to be detached, and simply make myself happy. I want to succeed, and I want to make my success my only goal and focus.
Time to be a loner again. Seriously.
