I am 20...

I am again at that point, where I feel that I can start anew, but is it that easy to do so? Not really. Rather, it is quite hard. Harder than anything I deem possible, but then again I should not limit myself.

I am not sure why I crave this starting over every time. I feel like I will do better now. I will be a changed person, but I realized this year that such things don't happen suddenly, but are rather gradual processes which just take their time.

But I do realize that I have been doing some things I never thought possible before. I never thought I would ever do such a thing in life because of they way I felt about it before. First of all, let's take drinking, for example. I am still not an avid drinker, but neither can I say that I don't drink at all, a fact I used to be very proud of. A conviction I have used in so many interviews...what happened now?

Am I just living it up because it is my last year? But then what happened to my principled boundaries? I thought I would never leave them.

I always tell everyone I won't change for anyone...but change occurs on its own, and maybe no one changes for anyone else but rather change on their own without realizing it. Interesting!

I know I used to think a lot my freshman year...and in fact, I lived my life in the thoughts that I wanted to happen...lived in a surreality that might not have existed at all. I went away from that this year. I took initiative in my own hands. Is that good or bad? I am yet to find out...I just hope my past character retains because I loved who I was and love who I am.

I have been with a new group of people, and they have a completely different impression of me...impressions that I never associated with myself. They are not bad, simply different.

I am just a simple girl, who is sometimes a bit too simple...but am I changing without knowing it?

Another thought that led me to this was the fact that amidst a group of friends, I felt alone. Alone not in the sense that they are not there for me, but that I wanted someone special there for me...at least for my 20th birthday, right?

I wonder why haven't I ever found that someone? Actually, I know. Because initially I always wanted "the one", which of course is not that easy. But now that I am not looking for "the one", I can't even find someone. Hehe...that sounds funny and confusing! But it actually makes sense.

Initially, I was too selective when I could have been the carefree gal, and now that I am...I realize the people around me are too careful...and they don't want to randomize the balance of relations around. I never thought that would ever be an issue, but now I realize why people say that "falling in love" becomes harder and harder as you grow older...and it really does. Seriously, fall in it while you can because you will lose faith as time goes on. I wish I had followed that, but maybe it is too late now.

I remember a time when I would get adrenaline pumping in my veins simply because of that one guy's tantalizing look. Granted, that used to occur 3-4 years ago...but have I grown that much? No...no...no...no...I can't have. That is too fast. I still want those rushes..and I still want that hope that someone special exists.

Anyways, I hope that I have that fling in college that I always wanted. Will I or won't I? Will I go through college without experiencing what it is like to kiss on the quad or take a walk at 3 am and not care about the passing time? Or get that rush when you look into his eyes and realize that it is our little secret...and just ours...! :)

I hope the wish I wished for is what I get because it has been far too long since a wish of mine has been granted! :)

Pray for me...! :)

P.S. For some unknown reason, this song keeps playing in my head from Kismet Konnection "Oye! Soniye Ve Soniye Mere Naal Aaja Soniye...!"

My little black dress...

If you are a girl, you know that we all have that one little black dress that just fits perfectly...makes you slimmer, sexier, and classier.

You know what I am talking about, don't you? That one little dress that can just make your day go from a 0 to a full fledged 10. It brings a smile on your face each time you wear it, and you brim with confidence at the thought of becoming every guy's dream.

When you walk down the street in that dress, you know that every eye is on you, on your body, on your dress...and your hot heels.

In that little black dress, you know that every man finds you irresistible and can't keep his hands to himself...umm umm...you definitely know that it is working when that hot, aloof guy down the street gives you that tantalizing look that only a reformed rake would give... ;)

Anyways, enough about the reactions that the dress causes...on to the feelings that it evokes in me.

That little black dress just encloses my every curve...revealing them sensually in its silhouette. The dark color contrasts with my fair skin and makes me glow even more. I wear my little black dress and pair it up with my high silver heels, and know that no one can resist. My hair left loose in curls while I shake my head here and there...silver earrings dangling from my ears with a hint of pink on my cheeks...and shine of my lips.

Guess what? I am ready for a night out and this little black dress is all I need! :P

P.S. I just bought this one a few weeks ago, but maybe I can do better. So I am still on the quest to find that perfect little black dress that everyone girl needs in her wardrobe. See, diamonds aren't a woman's best friend...it is this dress...that can make any girl stress free.

I have struggled enough in this world...I am finally drowning...

Maybe I can be "The Manipulative Politician" of tomorrow...

It always seems like I always have an excuse ready. Rather than trying to improve myself, I am always ready for an excuse regardless of whether they are true or not.

I have definitely noticed this about myself since I have entered college. In fact, I used to be an innocent child who would consider any excuses unacceptable and feel guilty for the days to come. But, I have changed. I make excuses and hardly have any guilt trips. In fact, I have made some extreme excuse sometimes, and I do feel guilty to some extent but if I don't get the reaction I favor...I actually turn the guilt on them for not being understanding for some situation.

It is really interesting to see how people change...from being an cherubic angel to the world's most convincing manipulator. Of course, I was never in either extreme but still...for example...

If cherubic angel is equal to 1 and manipulator is equal to 10 on a scale of 1 to 10, then I was 3 before and I am probably 6 now. I suppose manipulation will help you in succeeding in the business world, but where did my caring side go? Of course, I still care but not as much!

In fact, I just don't give a damn for most things. It is so interesting to realize that a person like me who cared about every single feeling hardly takes a deep look inside her heart.

Of course, I still cry at movies and get motivated to change the world at the first sign of poverty and so on.

Still, something has changed and I hope I am not on the way of being a politician especially not a corrupt one...maybe one that will change the world for the better by manipulating the corrupt ones that already exist and beat them at their own game...

Maybe just maybe! :)

Fling with a RJ!

So, as I was driving my car with my ghetto music turned up ALL high...and as I was getting lost in the roads, I remembered a past interlude.A past interlude which occurred almost 4 years ago, but it is a sweet memory. It involves me, my radio, my phone, a toll-free number, and a radio jockey named Yash.

So, this is how this escapade started! As you know, I am based in Chicago and this RJ kid was based in New York. He was an RJ on this Indian channel on the radio out here in U.S. He would have a show for 2-4 hours each weekend or so.

Once, I asked him to play a song for me, which was the song that he HAD JUST PLAYED. So, he asked me if I really wanted that song played again, and I said please...! He agreed to play the song for me then...and I still remember it was the song "Aao na..." from Kyun! Ho gaya na!

From there on, I called him a few more times and well he remembered my name since I do have a unique name and you don't come across my names too often. So whenever I called, he would instantly recall who I was and we would talk for a few minutes. Incidentally, I called him when the show was about to end one day, and we talked after the show had ended for almost an extra hour. There was some serious sweet innocent flirting going on from the very first time! ;)

So, he asked me to call again and this became a regular routine on the weekends where we could talk for almost an hour after his show would end or till he was kicked out of the studio.

I still remember the butterflies and all the conversations we had regarding his college life and the college life I aspired to have. Coincidentally, we were both salutatorians at our respective high schools which initiated an instant bond! Of course, the revenge of the nerds! (JUST KIDDING) So, salutatorians are the students who is placed 2nd in the entire school their senior year, just for international audience here.

I can't help but smile at the memories and the little teasings and the flirtations that went between him and me. I saw his picture on facebook or myspace or something and DAMN!!! he was a hottie!!! I usually don't consider too many guys hot and cute, but he was the ultimate dynamic combo!

So, yes...and then of course, we continued talking and getting more interested day by day (Get the hint?). There were times when he would wait for my calls, and he would be waiting and I would be busy sometimes! It was very sweet to listen to his complains regarding that.

But honestly to say, he was one sweet kid and we shared some of the mushiest and corniest times!!! I wonder where did those times ago...why don't I have such incidents anymore? These sweet little attachments that brighten my day and someone else's! ;)

I have had enough smart guys (nerds...well not exactly), but this was someone different. He had the street smarts with the dynamic looks. He was fun and quirky! Who doesn't like that? Of course, he was an RJ so his voice was like sweet honey which I would lose myself in...YUMM!

I thought this post would be more exciting, but it is like a sweet memories that can only be expressed by my SMILE!

My smile can not be written in words...it can simply be seen and understood by the one who it is meant for! ;)

It is not worth it...not about a lesbian lover but a friend!

I woke up this morning
Feeling all blue
With one issue on my mind
That refuses to get a clue

Waking up with nightmares
For the past two weeks
I realize her happiness
Is not worth my sanity

I do care for her
And I will continue to be
But not enough for her
To evade my mindful peace

You might be thinking
That I have changed
But it is a dilemma
That is eating me alive

Wandering the quad
Like a lost soul
So many decisions to be made
By my poor heart core

Never use the heart
In the battle of wits
Or your sympathetic ass
Will end up in a fix

She refuses to listen
Being adamant at every stage
I am not some teaching fairy
That will chastise her every turn

I know I am asking for a bit
But how can I not
These basic courtesies
Should be prevalent in all

I won’t compromise any longer
For the sake of another
This frustration will further built
And eventually I will fall


I won’t ask her to change either
The best way is to separate our paths
Before it is too late and
Becomes a permanent mark

Partially influenced by others
I made my previous decisions
But they are not living it
So I would eventually blame them

I have come to a conclusion and
If my judgment turns out to be an error
I will be solely to blame
And I will live with the result without complain

I am tired of this endless bitching
And constant aggravation
I want to be as direct as possible
And let her finally know

Yes, there is some guilt in leaving
Someone stranded midway
But knowingly killing yourself
Is the worst case of helplessness

I have made a decision and I will let it be
Regardless of whether I will be considered
THE ULTIMATE ADVERSARY

I see you...and realize...

I see the naughty smile stretch across your face
I realize that I want you
I see that sensual amber trickle down your waist
I realize that I want to seduce you
I see those water droplets graze your lips
I realize I want to touch you
I see the sensuous glitter in your eyes
I realize I want to kiss you
I see you when you awake from sleep
I realize I want to cherish you
I see you stretch out your arms to me
I realize I want to hold you
I see your helpless expressions
I realize I want to give them a voice
I see your leg sprawled across mine
I realize I want your warmth
I see your face next to mine
I realize I want you to be mine

Meant to be...

Mingling and tingling, I see so many pairs
Looking at them, I wonder when their desire will flare
I can see that they are made for each other
But the youngsters have no clue what it is about

I turn to see and look around
If the one for me is in this vicinity and crowd
But it seems like there are too many "one's" for me
Or maybe not the one I am looking for

The fallicious crowd can lead you astray but,
The key is to look for the one
That penetrates you straight away
Now who might that be...

Where is the one that my eyes search for?
Is it the one in the blue or the one in white
I know...it is the one with the rainbow stripes
Who will bring the colors to brighten my life

Time is slipping by...tick-tock-tick
I ponder if my time will ever come
When I am part of that pair
Who everyone sees as "They are meant to be"

India in a heartbeat!

Regardless of what I say, write, or express --> it will never be enough to capture the memories created in my mind, soul and heart when I was in India.

This is all I can say since words will never be enough in this case...