Sometimes...

Wow, I am writing an entry after a year.

Sometimes I wish I could just be detached from the humanly feelings that we all have. Why are there always so many complications in life?

People say that you should be social, but I feel like the more social you become, the more complicated your life becomes because you have to satisfy everyone.

People you truly care about start to misunderstand you, and lack of communication starts to occur. One thinks the other does not care, but the other might simply be hurt by the first person's actions. Such misunderstandings start to escalate, and we keep little things inside us until they are unbearable and then we burst like a balloon.

Maybe this happens because we take each other for granted, and assume and expect for the other person to always be there for us, but then you realize that you are not their first choice person to express feelings, even though you consider them yours. When that happens, it just hits you, and you ponder upon what went wrong. Was it a miss on your part or did you simply drift apart or were you never that close that your friendship could not last such a small turmoil?

I don't know. I don't have any of the answers. But I will say that I try to be considerate of and I try really hard, but some people just don't see it ever. I will certainly not trample on my ego to make someone else happy, but I will do what I can with my self-respect intact.

Also, maybe in every friendship, a time comes when expectations are too high and they are simply not met due to various reasons. Why did the expectations become so high? And who has the right to be disappointed and who doesn't? I suppose who are we to judge? Both parties will think that they are right in their own way. In fact, I have a friend who has been quite disappointed with the kinds of bonds she built in college...in fact, after a while, she simply stopped expecting. I guess the world does that to you when you have been disappointed enough.

For me, that is usually never an issue because I feel like I am a loner at heart and will always be. Maybe I should revert to being one and that will keep me happy. In the past, it did keep me happy and it kept me focused.

Caring too much or being too considerate or being too giving will simply be disadvantageous to you later because nobody ever looks at what the other person has done for you. You only remember the sacrifices you have made, and you won't remember what your friend did in your time or need, or how he/she cheered you up when you were down. Interesting, isn't it? I am guilty of it too, but still...I feel like I take everything into account because I have been there...truly been there.

Maybe I am tired of this little game. I suppose I want friends where I don't hesitate to ask them for anything, and I mean anything. I am quite independent, therefore I never ask people for much...but now I feel like I never ask, but I have given quite a bit. Maybe it is time that I overcome my independence and simply ask what I need. I always shy away from asking for help or even demanding anything because I feel it is for the weak. But everyone likes to be needed. I know I do. I like it when people come to me, so how come I take that liberty away from my friends since I don't ask for much...

Wow, this post is all tangential but that was bound to happen since I am writing after eons. I wonder if I was *that* impacted by the past week that I actually took an initiative to write a post after almost a year.

Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe it was simply delirium.

But I did realize one thing, ego plays such a big factor in everyone's life and especially mine. Maybe ego is the reason people drift. Maybe ego is the reason people don't talk for ages. Maybe ego is the reason why people are willing to change friends rather than change themselves.

My goal from now is to be detached, and simply make myself happy. I want to succeed, and I want to make my success my only goal and focus.

Time to be a loner again. Seriously.

Nostalgic...about High School!

I was feeling nostalgic as I read my Salutatorian Speech today. As I was reading it, I realized how connected I was with my high school, and how well I had done for myself. Everyone was proud and it was such a good feeling to be part of that community where everyone looked up to you and thought you would be the next bright future.

I just started thinking about my brilliant teachers, and all that I had learned in those 4 years. It was just amazing...! I will never forget it. My speech really invigorated me and reminded me why we have these stages in our life...some to reflect back on, and others to look forward to! :)

Mistakes...maybe too many!

I never thought there would be a time when I would say this in my life, but I am forced at this point of my life.

I never thought I would commit mistakes, and regret them later. Actually, I just never thought I would ever be in that mindset where I would come to repent aspects of my life.

Everything had worked out for me always, but maybe the times that did work out was because I had worked hard in those times, and I deserved everything working out, or maybe the surplus of your prior good only takes you that far and it lasted me for 1.5 years after my hard working stopped.

This post stems from the past where I have committed academic and professional mistakes. Academically, I am now facing the repercussions which I never thought would happen! Honestly, I am only 20, and how could I be already facing it?

But I am. Today, my professor who I did research for e-mailed me and said that maybe I was not the best candidate to work for him. That kind of hit home. I was not angered at all, in fact, he wrote it in a very sweet manner, and what he said was that my reliability was lacking and I know it was. It was a shortcoming of mine last semester.

But instantly, I wanted to prove my competency because I know I have it. It is not like this research project is crucial, in fact it is not even related to what I want to do in life. In fact, there are no benefits from it, but the sole reason I want to do it is because I want to prove my ability and make up for my shortcomings last semester. This is not the only thing, I have made some other mistakes which involve the lack of reliability which is NOT ME!

This feeling has not happened for quite a while: doing something because I want to prove something to myself and someone else. In fact, now I don't want to be the girl who does not care and might not go to lecture, but I am the girl who goes to every lecture, tries her BEST for even the most minor things just like I used to 2 years earlier. I want to be the girl who people think is the smartest one, who has all the right answers...who knows the questions before the professor even asks them.

I always thought this perfectionism had left me, but you know what: it was simply dormant for a few years and I don't want this blog to be one of those encouraging writings where you have an epiphany.

It might seem simple, but I never admit that I make mistakes. But today, I want to admit that I made MISTAKES and I do regret them, but I will not make them any longer. Not now, not ever.

I am 20...

I am again at that point, where I feel that I can start anew, but is it that easy to do so? Not really. Rather, it is quite hard. Harder than anything I deem possible, but then again I should not limit myself.

I am not sure why I crave this starting over every time. I feel like I will do better now. I will be a changed person, but I realized this year that such things don't happen suddenly, but are rather gradual processes which just take their time.

But I do realize that I have been doing some things I never thought possible before. I never thought I would ever do such a thing in life because of they way I felt about it before. First of all, let's take drinking, for example. I am still not an avid drinker, but neither can I say that I don't drink at all, a fact I used to be very proud of. A conviction I have used in so many interviews...what happened now?

Am I just living it up because it is my last year? But then what happened to my principled boundaries? I thought I would never leave them.

I always tell everyone I won't change for anyone...but change occurs on its own, and maybe no one changes for anyone else but rather change on their own without realizing it. Interesting!

I know I used to think a lot my freshman year...and in fact, I lived my life in the thoughts that I wanted to happen...lived in a surreality that might not have existed at all. I went away from that this year. I took initiative in my own hands. Is that good or bad? I am yet to find out...I just hope my past character retains because I loved who I was and love who I am.

I have been with a new group of people, and they have a completely different impression of me...impressions that I never associated with myself. They are not bad, simply different.

I am just a simple girl, who is sometimes a bit too simple...but am I changing without knowing it?

Another thought that led me to this was the fact that amidst a group of friends, I felt alone. Alone not in the sense that they are not there for me, but that I wanted someone special there for me...at least for my 20th birthday, right?

I wonder why haven't I ever found that someone? Actually, I know. Because initially I always wanted "the one", which of course is not that easy. But now that I am not looking for "the one", I can't even find someone. Hehe...that sounds funny and confusing! But it actually makes sense.

Initially, I was too selective when I could have been the carefree gal, and now that I am...I realize the people around me are too careful...and they don't want to randomize the balance of relations around. I never thought that would ever be an issue, but now I realize why people say that "falling in love" becomes harder and harder as you grow older...and it really does. Seriously, fall in it while you can because you will lose faith as time goes on. I wish I had followed that, but maybe it is too late now.

I remember a time when I would get adrenaline pumping in my veins simply because of that one guy's tantalizing look. Granted, that used to occur 3-4 years ago...but have I grown that much? No...no...no...no...I can't have. That is too fast. I still want those rushes..and I still want that hope that someone special exists.

Anyways, I hope that I have that fling in college that I always wanted. Will I or won't I? Will I go through college without experiencing what it is like to kiss on the quad or take a walk at 3 am and not care about the passing time? Or get that rush when you look into his eyes and realize that it is our little secret...and just ours...! :)

I hope the wish I wished for is what I get because it has been far too long since a wish of mine has been granted! :)

Pray for me...! :)

P.S. For some unknown reason, this song keeps playing in my head from Kismet Konnection "Oye! Soniye Ve Soniye Mere Naal Aaja Soniye...!"

My little black dress...

If you are a girl, you know that we all have that one little black dress that just fits perfectly...makes you slimmer, sexier, and classier.

You know what I am talking about, don't you? That one little dress that can just make your day go from a 0 to a full fledged 10. It brings a smile on your face each time you wear it, and you brim with confidence at the thought of becoming every guy's dream.

When you walk down the street in that dress, you know that every eye is on you, on your body, on your dress...and your hot heels.

In that little black dress, you know that every man finds you irresistible and can't keep his hands to himself...umm umm...you definitely know that it is working when that hot, aloof guy down the street gives you that tantalizing look that only a reformed rake would give... ;)

Anyways, enough about the reactions that the dress causes...on to the feelings that it evokes in me.

That little black dress just encloses my every curve...revealing them sensually in its silhouette. The dark color contrasts with my fair skin and makes me glow even more. I wear my little black dress and pair it up with my high silver heels, and know that no one can resist. My hair left loose in curls while I shake my head here and there...silver earrings dangling from my ears with a hint of pink on my cheeks...and shine of my lips.

Guess what? I am ready for a night out and this little black dress is all I need! :P

P.S. I just bought this one a few weeks ago, but maybe I can do better. So I am still on the quest to find that perfect little black dress that everyone girl needs in her wardrobe. See, diamonds aren't a woman's best friend...it is this dress...that can make any girl stress free.

I have struggled enough in this world...I am finally drowning...

Maybe I can be "The Manipulative Politician" of tomorrow...

It always seems like I always have an excuse ready. Rather than trying to improve myself, I am always ready for an excuse regardless of whether they are true or not.

I have definitely noticed this about myself since I have entered college. In fact, I used to be an innocent child who would consider any excuses unacceptable and feel guilty for the days to come. But, I have changed. I make excuses and hardly have any guilt trips. In fact, I have made some extreme excuse sometimes, and I do feel guilty to some extent but if I don't get the reaction I favor...I actually turn the guilt on them for not being understanding for some situation.

It is really interesting to see how people change...from being an cherubic angel to the world's most convincing manipulator. Of course, I was never in either extreme but still...for example...

If cherubic angel is equal to 1 and manipulator is equal to 10 on a scale of 1 to 10, then I was 3 before and I am probably 6 now. I suppose manipulation will help you in succeeding in the business world, but where did my caring side go? Of course, I still care but not as much!

In fact, I just don't give a damn for most things. It is so interesting to realize that a person like me who cared about every single feeling hardly takes a deep look inside her heart.

Of course, I still cry at movies and get motivated to change the world at the first sign of poverty and so on.

Still, something has changed and I hope I am not on the way of being a politician especially not a corrupt one...maybe one that will change the world for the better by manipulating the corrupt ones that already exist and beat them at their own game...

Maybe just maybe! :)

Fling with a RJ!

So, as I was driving my car with my ghetto music turned up ALL high...and as I was getting lost in the roads, I remembered a past interlude.A past interlude which occurred almost 4 years ago, but it is a sweet memory. It involves me, my radio, my phone, a toll-free number, and a radio jockey named Yash.

So, this is how this escapade started! As you know, I am based in Chicago and this RJ kid was based in New York. He was an RJ on this Indian channel on the radio out here in U.S. He would have a show for 2-4 hours each weekend or so.

Once, I asked him to play a song for me, which was the song that he HAD JUST PLAYED. So, he asked me if I really wanted that song played again, and I said please...! He agreed to play the song for me then...and I still remember it was the song "Aao na..." from Kyun! Ho gaya na!

From there on, I called him a few more times and well he remembered my name since I do have a unique name and you don't come across my names too often. So whenever I called, he would instantly recall who I was and we would talk for a few minutes. Incidentally, I called him when the show was about to end one day, and we talked after the show had ended for almost an extra hour. There was some serious sweet innocent flirting going on from the very first time! ;)

So, he asked me to call again and this became a regular routine on the weekends where we could talk for almost an hour after his show would end or till he was kicked out of the studio.

I still remember the butterflies and all the conversations we had regarding his college life and the college life I aspired to have. Coincidentally, we were both salutatorians at our respective high schools which initiated an instant bond! Of course, the revenge of the nerds! (JUST KIDDING) So, salutatorians are the students who is placed 2nd in the entire school their senior year, just for international audience here.

I can't help but smile at the memories and the little teasings and the flirtations that went between him and me. I saw his picture on facebook or myspace or something and DAMN!!! he was a hottie!!! I usually don't consider too many guys hot and cute, but he was the ultimate dynamic combo!

So, yes...and then of course, we continued talking and getting more interested day by day (Get the hint?). There were times when he would wait for my calls, and he would be waiting and I would be busy sometimes! It was very sweet to listen to his complains regarding that.

But honestly to say, he was one sweet kid and we shared some of the mushiest and corniest times!!! I wonder where did those times ago...why don't I have such incidents anymore? These sweet little attachments that brighten my day and someone else's! ;)

I have had enough smart guys (nerds...well not exactly), but this was someone different. He had the street smarts with the dynamic looks. He was fun and quirky! Who doesn't like that? Of course, he was an RJ so his voice was like sweet honey which I would lose myself in...YUMM!

I thought this post would be more exciting, but it is like a sweet memories that can only be expressed by my SMILE!

My smile can not be written in words...it can simply be seen and understood by the one who it is meant for! ;)

It is not worth it...not about a lesbian lover but a friend!

I woke up this morning
Feeling all blue
With one issue on my mind
That refuses to get a clue

Waking up with nightmares
For the past two weeks
I realize her happiness
Is not worth my sanity

I do care for her
And I will continue to be
But not enough for her
To evade my mindful peace

You might be thinking
That I have changed
But it is a dilemma
That is eating me alive

Wandering the quad
Like a lost soul
So many decisions to be made
By my poor heart core

Never use the heart
In the battle of wits
Or your sympathetic ass
Will end up in a fix

She refuses to listen
Being adamant at every stage
I am not some teaching fairy
That will chastise her every turn

I know I am asking for a bit
But how can I not
These basic courtesies
Should be prevalent in all

I won’t compromise any longer
For the sake of another
This frustration will further built
And eventually I will fall


I won’t ask her to change either
The best way is to separate our paths
Before it is too late and
Becomes a permanent mark

Partially influenced by others
I made my previous decisions
But they are not living it
So I would eventually blame them

I have come to a conclusion and
If my judgment turns out to be an error
I will be solely to blame
And I will live with the result without complain

I am tired of this endless bitching
And constant aggravation
I want to be as direct as possible
And let her finally know

Yes, there is some guilt in leaving
Someone stranded midway
But knowingly killing yourself
Is the worst case of helplessness

I have made a decision and I will let it be
Regardless of whether I will be considered
THE ULTIMATE ADVERSARY

I see you...and realize...

I see the naughty smile stretch across your face
I realize that I want you
I see that sensual amber trickle down your waist
I realize that I want to seduce you
I see those water droplets graze your lips
I realize I want to touch you
I see the sensuous glitter in your eyes
I realize I want to kiss you
I see you when you awake from sleep
I realize I want to cherish you
I see you stretch out your arms to me
I realize I want to hold you
I see your helpless expressions
I realize I want to give them a voice
I see your leg sprawled across mine
I realize I want your warmth
I see your face next to mine
I realize I want you to be mine

Meant to be...

Mingling and tingling, I see so many pairs
Looking at them, I wonder when their desire will flare
I can see that they are made for each other
But the youngsters have no clue what it is about

I turn to see and look around
If the one for me is in this vicinity and crowd
But it seems like there are too many "one's" for me
Or maybe not the one I am looking for

The fallicious crowd can lead you astray but,
The key is to look for the one
That penetrates you straight away
Now who might that be...

Where is the one that my eyes search for?
Is it the one in the blue or the one in white
I know...it is the one with the rainbow stripes
Who will bring the colors to brighten my life

Time is slipping by...tick-tock-tick
I ponder if my time will ever come
When I am part of that pair
Who everyone sees as "They are meant to be"

India in a heartbeat!

Regardless of what I say, write, or express --> it will never be enough to capture the memories created in my mind, soul and heart when I was in India.

This is all I can say since words will never be enough in this case...

Oh my dear cellphone...time to give me a break!

I have always noticed students whip up their cellphone whenever they get on the campus bus or are having dinner at the dining hall alone.

It is like they have an obsessive need to never be caught doing anything alone...these people seem to think that if someone catches them alone or without talking to someone, they will be taken as a person who doesn't have such a social life or something like that.

As a second-year student, I smile when I see this especially happening with the freshman that I am surrounded by. Not that I am intentionally eavesdropping, but I have overheard some conversations and they go like this:
"Hey, what is up?"
"Not much"
"Well, I just thought I would call...since I am seeing you in like 5 minutes"
"Yeah, dude"
"See ya, then"

Then the caller moves on to the next person on their list. In fact, one of my friends actually mentioned that while he was waiting somewhere and got bored, he consequently called around 8 people to entertain him and I was one of the top on his list. I was shocked to hear this, and yet amused. I asked him why he simply couldn't read a book or a magazine. After all, he was at the airport...I can just get lost in an airport's glory...especially Chicago's airport...but not this guy...he had to look as if he was busy with someone on the phone.

Anyways...my heart reaches to some of these people, like for example, a particular freshman who I have ALWAYS seen on the while eating. From the minute she enters the dining room to the time she puts away her dishes...she is on the phone...why wouldn't someone just put the phone down and savor a nice meal with some relaxation.

Honestly, the phone hurts...it hurts to hold it after a while as well as my ear gets tired...so I have the tendency to not pick up my phone many times...eeks...and I get many reprimands about that especially from friends!!! Sorry, guys!!!

Lastly, I just want let these people know that I used to feel awkward too when I would be eating alone or on the bus alone and I also felt the need to talk to someone...in fact, I wouldn't even go to dinner unless I had someone to go with me! Naive me from last year.

This year, I honestly don't have time to coordinate my friends' schedules so I can have dinner or lunch with them...I savor my meal and relax while I am eating....every bite...without any interruptions. I don't feel the obsessive need to always be on the phone.

People need to realize that there is a different sense of peace in solace. Everyone tries to fit in and one tactic to fit in is through cellphones...but sometimes...they should just look beyond the materialism and not care what others think for once in their life!

Business World...What is up with it?

I have experienced this quite a few times and wonder why people are so offensive about other people's success. It is like professionals don't want to work themselves, but if someone does decide to take the bulk of the work, they instantly have to comment on that person as to why the other person is doing that work. I had a similar experience where I work and since I conduct workshops...I signed for about 8 and then as the sheet went around for the others to sign-up...3-4 girls commented about how much I had signed up. Initially, I thought if I could possibly be hogging the workshops but the point was that every workshop has two presenters so anyone could sign up besides me. Especially these two co-workers, one of them actually graduating this december was talking to another and kind of giggling and directly looking at me in terms of my workshops...and that was the height of unprofessionalism. Sometimes, women can be b***hy and some of them almost all the time...and one of them being her...
I have always maintained a professional air, yet a senior has the audacity to do that...obviously I believe I am better than that so I didn't really react, but it makes me reflect on what the professional world becomes eventually?

Why are people forced to choose between better professional relationships or competing with their co-workers to get ahead? And why should they choose since it is all about teamwork? Even though these people did not sign up for any workshops regardless, they had to make a comment. I suppose it is human nature to be competitive and defensive as soon as they realize that someone else could possibly be a threat...but the point is that there is no threat in this job since everyone has a secure position and will continue to do so.

Maybe I shouldn't be bothered by such things, but still it forces me to think that the world I am so eager to enter will be like this but with the ten times the intensity...yet we all want to be part of this world where anger erupts because of absolute no reason, or when someone is singled out just beacause they have the daring to be competitive and not be a sheep follower but a star follower, or when frustration is taken out on someone who had nothing to do with their original problems.

Similarly, my friend sitting right next to me was so open about it and said that we actually need people to fill the spots so it is okay if I am taking those many workshops...maybe the difference between men and women...

Anyhow, this particular lady explicitly stated that "Oh, you are signed up for 8 workshops," and I simply said, "Yes, I know." End of topic and no further discussion. I don't need to justify my decisions to my co-workers because they are my equals and today I realized that maybe they are not even my equals if they have that kind of unprofessional air about them and their persona. If my boss had asked a similar question, I would be totally agreeable and go on and explain...

Honestly, what happens to people? They change so fast...and are so fast to make remarks. How come I usually try to think and be considerate of others' feelings while other people just go on without any heed...? Maybe that is the difference, and I realize maybe just maybe because I have compassion or maybe I am just a fool and possibly too nice since I have heard that from a lot of people (the nice part, not the fool!)

Anyways...so this is my little personal experience and I wonder...and that particular woman who looked at me and giggled...I wish her bad luck (:P)...not that it is going to work...but she honestly had a superior air to her just because she was a senior...come on...I probably have ten times more experience than her...and still she had the nerve to...Umm-hmmm!!!

Anyways...that is about it! Obviously, I feel much better but I wanted to mention that initially I started to justify myself since I had a lot of 10-week courses so my first 4-6 weeks would be free...but that is when I realized that I need not to! :)

Any comments? Maybe, I am overreacting but honestly since I didn't say anything so I am rationlizing it and came up with this! :)

Days...

The days pass as a haze
Is there no end to this phase?
I don't seem to remember
whether it is Tuesday,
Wednesday or Thursday...
The monotoniety seems
to get its way, leaving
behind variety that trails

I need some time to myself
To reevaluate what I have done
Will the time ever come?
Maybe so or maybe no...
Let's hope that it does
So this fog will lift
From my eyes...and
Provide some clarity in life

Best Friend...

It is funny how a best friend's voicemail messages can cheer you up. In fact, they can really make your day or even drive that loneliness away when you are feeling a bit low at 1 a.m. The best part is that they can be the best de-stressor before an excruciatingly hard exam the next day. In fact, my best friend had a similar effect on me. My phone was dead for the whole day and I put it on charging at around 2 am at night while I was stressing out for my Biology exam which is the next day. I shouldn't be stressing out because I really hadn't studied much and it was really my fault but I was regardless. I just randomly picked up my phone to shut off my alarm from the previous night and I am pleasantly surprised to find 3 messages from my best friend. It is not that the content is so inspiring...but it is just her willingness to be silly and her willingness to talk to me...and just wanting us to be together and having our little talks about everything under the sun... and saying things like..."MINTYYYY....MINTYYY...PICK UP YOUR PHONE!" or something like "COME ON...PICK IT UP...ITNA TIME TOH MAIN BHI NAHIN LAGATI" or "MAHI...Come on...I love you...pick it up...remember I love you...! hehe"...her tone is so bubbly and sweet and she is just so fabulous!!! She is just the sweetest thing ever, you just can't beat her in anything...her sense of humor in unmatchable...and her ability to especially make me laugh is what really tightens our bond every single time!...in fact...I was motivated to write this just after I heard her messages even though I have an inevitable exam tomorrow!
So, thanks Darling for being there for me...and also for being your sweet, vivacious and kind self!!! You are honestly amazing and I appreciate you so much!!! We will have our little husbands one day and our cute little kids who will play with each other and become best friend too...and we will have those intimate nights with our sweet guys and truly make it count and I hope this feeling never goes away!!! And I love you too...and I hope I remain your only love! hehe...which I know is not true already! :(
Hehe...miss you!!! You are the best!!! Always be there and I will be here for you! :)

The heights of courtesy!

Today, I was just lounging around in the Foreign Languages Building with my friend and we were checking out brochures and pamphlets for the various countries around the world. I was a bit hyper so I was toppling over the place...well not literally but still. At the same time, there was this guy who was talking on the phone...he seemed European with dark curly hair and he had luggage in his hand. He was quite immersed in his conversation and had a thick heavy accent...but it was cute regardless.
So while we were looking at all the various countries, I kind of tripped on his bag...not exactly tripped but was about to fall over but I regained my balance just in time. He gestured to me with his hand and mouthed a sorry...so I said it is okay and moved on!

I had another meeting in another building so I had walked about a fourth of a mile away from the previous building and was just a bit lost in my own world!
I suddenly heard a sound from behind. Someone with a cute accent said "Excuse me."
Initially, I didn't turn around but I heard it again so I turned around and saw the same guy who was at the other building.

I initially thought that he might ask me for directions since it is a huge campus and it is easy to lose your way especially if you are not from there.

What he said next surprised me the most, which was: "I am really sorry about hitting you over there...I was on my phone and didn't realize!"
I instantly beamed and said, "It is totally okay...don't worry about it!"
I couldn't resist asking him, "You followed me all the way HERE just to say sorry!" and he actually said "Yes!"...He then said sorry again and flashed a smile...and I repeated that it was fine and actually thanked him...

That brightened my day a bit because someone actually following you and saying sorry just doesn't happen on the streets of Chicago. Nobody cares a damn, infact even if someone hurts you...they might not stop and say sorry...but this guy did...! Possibly because he was European and maybe from a land of courtesies!!! Awww...! [:P] It was so refreshing to see someone so courteous apologizing for something so minor and actually being genuine about it...

From that point on, I really saw the height of courtesy (such men are so hard to come by...honestly...I should have done something but...atleast I blogged about it...!)...and bounced all the way to my next Leadership and Managment meeting!

Time to Say Goodbye!

This post is long pending...I started it almost a month ago when I was leaving home but I got delayed...I don't even know if I can gather up the same amount of sentiment that I had when I was initially writing it.
So it is time to say goodbye to my home...I thought the summer would never end but the end is so near now.

In the beginning of the summer, I just wanted summer to end and be back at my college and now...since it is right around the corner...I realized I will miss my family...the constant bickerings...the arguments, the subtle cares, the jokes we played on each other, bursting out in laughter in midst of a heated argument, philsophical conversations about the meaning of life and some uncomfortable conversations that I am sure kids don't have but I broached the subject regardless.

So, the summer was quite tedious but picked up pace in the end. I really needed adventure in the beginning and then...maybe I got some too...but it didn't matter anymore.

As soon I started working, those were almost 10-hour long days and then I would come home all broken and tired. Infact, I used to be a bollywood maniac and I must have seen 2 movies in total the whole summer...(almost 3 months)...that is crazy! I have changed so much...

At work though, I made some new friendships which I am quite happy about. The little flirtations, the little talks, the laughter, the boyfriend problems, facing the realities of work in the real world...it was interesting...! At some moments, I thought I want this for the rest of my life...yet at the same time, I also saw the monotoniety of the working life. I started wondering how will I avoid it because...I will get quite bored...maybe challenges will keep me going...hopefully! When I used to work, my mind used to wander to so many thoughts and I used to think so much...and it would drive me crazy sometimes...

Anyways, I am not a big shopper but I shopped a lot this summer...
Infact, I promised my mom that I will make an effort to look decent...! I have been successful so far, but only so far!

It is also funny how you just snap out of some things...like...I wanted to go to India so badly over the summer...but now that I am in college...I am really having a hard time deciding whether I should spend that $1400-1500 that I literally earned by sweating out my blood...(not even that dramatic but close enough! ;)) It is hard...it is so strange how you just change...one minute you can want something so badly and then in the next few weeks...you just grow out of it.
This proves the power of rationalizing...you will grow out of everything eventually! hehe!

Anyways, my best friend went to India...and had quite a few stories to tell me...which were quite interesting...and maybe if I was just a bit younger or if my mindset was a bit different, that alone would have been enough to make me want to go to India...but...not anymore...!

I wonder...
Usually, people don't reach this stage for quite a few years later or so I have heard but I am just so strange in so many ways...!

I do wonder...well not so much anymore since I am so busy these days...12-hour days? WOW!!! Never had those before...
It is like wake up in the morning at around 9 and then go to classes and have a few meetings..and then proceed on to work and present workshops...and then get home at around 10 or 11 pm at night!!!
Is that crazy or what? It is fun at the same time...being so busy....and just not having time for anyone...(that sounds mean) but it really is nice to be busy...!

So many things I have learnt about myself over the past summer...and still learning and exploring and finding out characteristics that I never deemed possible!!! Will this journey ever end?
It all comes back to the evolutionary question: What do I exactly want? Really, what do I want!

I suppose I am finding out! :P

A lesson about liberalism...

First of all, I just wanted to dispel some notions that people have regarding what liberalism is.
People for some reason intertwine the word liberal and fear with each other. I see no logical pathway to such a conclusion, but anyways...
So, someone asked me if you are afraid of the death...and I said "not particularly, if it is going to come...then it will come"...
Then, that same someone proceeds to tell me that you are afraid of death because you are afraid...afraid because you are not even willing to try wine.
And then he said some things along the lines of being liberal.
At this moment, I had to say something...something that brought him to reality.

People, People, People:
If you think that liberalism is about being drunk every night, or having sex with a different woman every night...or even the Eastern cultures adapting the western ideas about clothes and such...Nope..that is a very strong misconception...

Being liberal is about being open-minded and willing to explore new things not necessarily in the arenas of alcohol and sexuality.
Being liberal is also about embracing other cultures and the individual identities that come with it, not being a stereotypical ass especially about African-Americans or any such cultures.
Being liberal is just not about wearing short minis and revealing tops; it is about the mindset. You might show yourself to be the most liberal person in the world by being westernized but you need to realize that westernization is not what makes you liberal...it is all about the thoughts...if you don't have the open minded thinking to go with your actions...your actions will just seem fickle and futile and then...you are not a liberal at all!
Liberalism is also about respecting women and giving them as much say as men get.
Liberalism is also listening to women's opinions and concerns for the world today...it is about embracing the world of co-dominance in a world of male dominants.
Liberalism is standing up for issues that are not necessarily convenient in every way (like gays' rights), it is not about scorning people who are not similar to you.

I dislike people who have such stereotypes about others and are not willing to look at any scientific proof even though they are wrong!
Don't preach about liberalism to me...first, get your definations straight! :)

The perfect couple...

He should be...
Moral enough to stand by his principles
Rogue enough to ignite passion
Tender enough to hold hands
Persuasive enough to get what he wants
Intelligent enough to know when it is enough
Sweet enough to make it last

She should be...
Simple enough to be herself
Stylish enough to turn heads
Confident enough to realize her worth
Passionate enough to seduce
Careless enough to be excited
Smart enough to prove herself

Also...one should remember is takes two to make it and two to break it as well!

Him and Her...(Please dont assume anything till you read the end! :))

She wept her eyes out
For the one
She loved the most
ripped her heart right out

The promise of kisses and love
He made
Yet when the time came
He ran away

Hardly caring about
What she felt or said
He could only see
That a mistake had been made

Manipulated and deceived
She was
From her one and only love
And beloved

Thank god, her pride
Held its ground
Or she shudders to think
What she would have found

She gave him the importance
No man deserved
Yet he failed to see
Her concealed hurt

Walking alone at night
With a shattered soul
She finds solace
By penning her thoughts

Changes that are irreversible
Are here to stay
I wonder what possessed her
To give her heart away

She will do what she has to do
Since a broken heart will not
Deter her so, but he will regret
The night he let his interior show

Yes, she is strong
But a vulnerable creature too
And yet he refused to
Mend her broken heart

She does not seek revenge
And neither his passion
But simply the courtesy
Of a similar reciprocation

She put on the façade
Of sheer practicality
But he should have
Understood her veneer

Memories fade away
And these will too
But he will repent
The night he let her go

Such passion and care
Is not found commonly on the road
Yet sometimes it is bestowed
Upon some worthless souls

Someone had it right
Expressing your words
Make the load of mind light

But sadly this happens
And is the story
Of every him and her out there
Struggling tonight

As I finished writing this,
A smile spread across my face
The culprit “hunger” was
Behind this comical yet sad escapade

A simple luxury that every woman should indulge in...

Is...Is...Is...A bubble bath...

I think about bubble baths a lot, but I finally decided to write what they are really like since many men don't get the point of this ecstatic luxury...

You enter the bathroom and turn on the tap slowly...and turn it completely to the left so hot steaming water start filling your bathtub...the steam starts to envelop the bathroom...

With a little glint in the eye, you choose which scent you would like to indulge your body in today...lavender or vanilla or cinnamon or peony and so on...

You tap each bottle on the cap and finally choose lavender...the lilac-purple shade attracts you and one sniff into the bottle...you are taken.
Slowly, you proceed to the tub...which is hopefully clean and shining...you pour the lavender body wash and let the scent engulf you...

The tub fills in little by little and there is a purplish tint to the bubbles that start emerging in the tub. First, only the start of the tub is filled but slowly the whole tub is filled with bubbles...big and popping bubbles...
The whole bathroom is emanating of the delicious lavender scent...then you spray some soothing relaxing lavender spray on your body...

And...descend into the shallow depths of the water...immersing inch by inch...until you are completely relaxed underneath the sizzling water...it takes a bit to adjust...but you do..
and when the water surrounds your tense body...it is like heaven...

Each sense is being stimulated...by the overwhelming scent, by the overpowering feel, by the staggering silence, by the companiable solitude, and by the simple taste in the mouth...

What usually makes this better are some candles that gives it such a romantic ambience and you really feel that you are treating yourself...which yo deserve to anyways...

For me, it is the best time to read a romantic novel while thinking and sighing about your own accomplished reveries and the ones that are yet to be accomplished...

BUT...there is a price...and the price is the constant charade of knocks on the door and others getting impatient to use the bathroom and wondering what you could possibly be doing for an hour...and when this happens...you just sit right up and jump and...lazily rub your eyes and proceed to open the door and get on with your day...! ;)

Those times...

Those times seem long gone
The ones we spent together
Talking for hours
Not heeding to the clock
Where did those times go?
The moments we refused
To spend apart

Every second spent with you
Was just so precious
Because you left
An imprint on my heart
I always thought
There would be more times
Similar to our memorable past

Some feelings are meant
To be expressed
While others are meant
To be suppressed
But…I will express all
From the first moment
I set my eyes on you

So you can guard your heart
As long as you want
And veil the words
That prick your heart
These words long to be uttered
And when the time is right
They will finally drip

I will be there yet
You will follow me here
To give me the love story
I pensively want
You will turn my
Fantasies into realities
And finally give me what I want

Mesmerizing rain...

As I sat at a friend's house...fiddling my time away sitting in front of the computer, it is at that instance that I hear a rumble. A bit surprised, I look out the window through the checkered blinds and I see the sky darkerning and a grayness engulfing the blueness. The blueness disappearing with the grey and their mingling like they were meant to be.

I stared at the first drops of rain that were starting to fall...drop by drop...coloring the dullness around...I wanted to get wet in the rain and I was so tempted to just run out and simply walk in the rain...and feel...just feel...

I stared at the rain till my eyes fogged...and I realized the beautiful weather that was inevitable...the weather I enjoy the most...the sensations I crave for most...

So finally, I stepped out in the rain...I kicked away my sandals...ran out with the flowy trail of my skirt and savored each moment.

I felt the first drop of rain touch my forehead and slide down to my cheek...I wiped it off smiling. The second drop of my rain touched my lips...I licked it off...the cold droplet sliding in my mouth felt so heavenly...
As soon as I did that, the rain's pace quickened...more droplets everywhere...I ran towards the grass...and stepped in the grass...felt my feet getting wet...wiggled my toes and my feet attracted a few green leafy blades...My skin turned translucent...and I could just feel myself glowing...I felt my pulse quicken...I looked around...here...there just to take in the view and picture myself like this forvever...

My hair was straight before I had my little guilty pleasure, and well...as I felt the wind blow my hair...over my face...and all around...I looked up..felt the rain trickle all over my face....
I felt my wet hair...curling around my face as each rain drop touched a flying strand...
I just felt so free...like a young girl walking on green cliffs and admiring the natural beauty beneath...

The beauty that is in simple rain is unmatched by any other pleasure...the romantic thoughts that are evoked by the rain are simply divine...

As I walked back into the house and looked at myself in the mirror, I realized the reflection that stared back at me transformed within a matter of minutes. The girl who ran out in the rain was a bit morose and tempted to break free...but the lady who came back was someone whose hair was wild and flying, her skirt drenched, her eyes twinkling, her body shimmering with natural water, and her face flushed...and a sign of contentment was settled on her face...

The effect of a such a natural...yet such a mesmerizing phenomenon...RAIN! (Applicable to Me only!) ;)

A theory about love...

I always wondered what love is:

I think I have come up with a reasonable explanation of how you can know when you are in love. It involves going through 5 questions and these questions will assess your feelings for your significant other.

So when you might be unsure, ask yourself:

1) Do I like him/her just as an individual?

2) Do I admire the qualities that I see in him/her?

3) Do I respect him/her and his/her opinions?

4) Do I see reason in his/her mistakes?

5) Do I want him/her? (Wanting as in really really wanting him or her)

So, ask yourselves these 5 questions...I bet you have felt atleast one of them at one point and time...and I thought these questions don't mean that much. You might have felt one of these feelings for someone but feeling ALL FIVE is an altogether different case. I started thinking about myself and whether I have felt all FIVE...no I have not (Well maybe! ;))...it is very hard to want someone and also admire and respect them to such a deep extent. First of all, admiring someone is quite a rare thing...and even respect doesn't just drop from the sky...it takes time and devotion...wanting happens only when you are so attracted to the other...and forgiving someone's mistakes and seeing reason in their mistakes rarely happens...it might happen occasionally with friend...but not with that many people...and you might forgive but actually seeing reason is usually hard. But when you do see reason...that would really mean something!
So next time you think you are in love...have this checklist ready and try it out...
See if it works...if it does...let me know!!! I will patent it!!! ;)

Why do I feel this...?

I wonder why I feel like I am lacking something in my life. Everyday and every night, I always feel like I am missing something. What can it be? What could it be?
Why is this happening to me?
I have always been a happy person, and I still am yet I feel compelled to think about issues I never have before.
Maybe that is the problem, we all take refuge in being busy and that is how we avoid assessing our inner peace and and state.
That is what I did even without realizing it and still people do it all around me.
But since I have been to college, I have had time to think and ponder about myself...and I have discovered that there is something missing.
I don't know what it is. It is not the need for someone. It is simply a need to do something. Maybe a sense of adventure or thrill, just something out of the ordinary...something that will take me away from this monotonous life.
I have never said such depressing things or even thought of being depressed and I am not...yet there is something lacking.
It is not enough to have a job and to be a volunteer...there needs to be something else...there has to be...what can it be?
Maybe everyone passes through this stage...and I have always been a thinker and I am still thinking...but what can it be?
I know I can put on a mask or hide by being busy, but maybe I don't want to...yes...I don't want to because I want to go to the core of the issue and know why I feel this way.
This led to me think that will I ever be satisfied in a such a monotonous life. I see my parents...what does their life consist of? Going to work, coming back, cooking or doing some house chores and then sleeping and the cycle is repetitive with the exception of weekends where they will socialize but then again...mostly with the same people.

I don't know what I want.

I thought I wanted the success and the career, which I still do but money is not that important. It is important enough for me to pursue a degree but materialistic things like a city life and lavish lifestyle...don't matter anymore...maybe there is something more worthwhile in store. I do hope there is.
I am lacking nothing in life...in fact these days...I have no tension about anything yet I feel like I am lacking something.
Maybe I do thrive when I am tense, busy, and always running from here to there...and that is how I was in high school...never had time...literally never had time!

I hope this feeling dissolves on its own as I start working while pursuing other ambitions...
I know students my age don't really think about such things...I know my friends don't and very few people and if they do...those friends are quite older then why am I hitting these feelings right now? Why can't put them back and just have *FUN*...maybe there is a price for upholding all the morals and principles that I do...and maybe the price is this feeling...!

Just a year ago, the home I am in right now was my sweet little home...my little refuge and my haven of privacy...but now it seems like a constraint maybe even a restricted area where I am subjected to...

I wish I could just get up and go without answering any questions to anyone...get up and go on a journey of my own...be spontaneous and let life take me where it can...and I could just experience the world like that...

Hmm...I do wonder...! Expression is a strong thing...I have really come to respect the people who do express and I suppose this is my way of expressing myself!
Am I getting ***OLD***? OH NO!!!

Maybe become an airhostess for a year and just fly all around and see what I want to...maybe it is all about how the grass seems greener on the other side...!

My perfect man...

My Perfect Man:
So I was thinking and thinking about what would my perfect man be like and then it hit me...the answer was there all along...the answer was right in front of my face!
There is no P-E-R-F-E-C-T man!!! But I realized what I would like...
It is like in my every romantic interest in the past or the present, I have liked something about the man I mention...so I decided to extract the qualities I admired in each and make my perfect man! Well...I mean...it doesn't cover everything that I want but...it is still close! ;)
It would have been so stupendous if this could have been a reality!!! So here I go...

I will not mention any names, but I will just mention the first letter of their first name (hehe)...they will know who they are...hopefully! So this is how I wish my perfect man was...

I wish he will have:

D's sense of care and love for me and his unbeatable source of thoughts.
M's sense of persistence for me and his light attitude.
P's sense of wittiness and charm for me and his prescence that never fails to intrigue me.
A's sense of patience and high regard for me.
S's sense of innocence and consideration for me.
B's sense of respect and and ambition for me.
V's sense of sensuality for me.
K's sense of passion and intelligence.
R's sense of being trusted by me.
N's sense of wishing my happiness for me.
Another K's sense of cuteness and want for me.
Another D's sense of appreciating and complimenting me.
Another A's sense of wanting to be with me.
Another S's sense of sultriness for me.
Another S's sense of admiration for me.

Now that I look at it...I didn't list too many qualities...I mean these are a necessity...I will refine it further!!!...we will see...! ;) But, let the extraction begin...hehe...Beware!

(Amusing, isn't it? *wink* *wink*)

I must and must...express my love for...

CHINESE CUISINE!!!

I ordered a lot of food today from a Chinese resturant...and I must say it was scrumptuous.
Have you ever wondered why you keep on eating when you are full? Well, I have...
One thing I discovered that in terms of Chinese food, this statement definately holds true.

I was so full after I had the delicious, steaming, hot & sour soup...but as I dug my fork into Kung Pao chicken and chicken fried rice...I simply could not resist mixing the two and digging in the plate with my fork again and again...and yet again!!! It was as if a food hungry demon had taken over and would't stop...it would neither listen to the mind nor the stomach...just the presentation of the food kept on making my mouth water...Yummy....Yummy...!

Anyways, as I was having the soup...my eye fell on the perfectly cylindrical spring roll. It was a beauty on it own...Hot and Crisp...waiting to be bitten into...just waiting...
I dug my teeth into the crispy outside and then deeper into the gooey, springy heaven inside...
SPRING ROLLS really rock my world!!! They are just such a perfect combination of everything...from hardness to softness to "jelloness" to beauty...it has everything...
The gold brown crust...the oily trails it leaves behind on your fingers...is to die for...absolutely to die for...

Usually, I don't spend that much...but today I did...a whopping $13.86 just on one meal of the day...I never go through these excursions...but today I just had to...just had to...and I am so glad I did...!

Anyways, enjoy the rest of your meal!!! I will assure you it can't compete with mine!

Blah Blah...I am bored!

Yups, it is that time of the year again.
I am bored...extremely bored. Everyone bores me these days! Everyone...even people who I thought were my passion and such!!!
What shall I do? What shall I do to overcome this boredom??? Any suggestions!!!
Do keep in mind that I should be studying my butt off for my finals...but alas...this is the time when my boredom gets the best of me!!!
Motivate me!!!
Also, thanks to the one person who always reads my blogs...so sweet of you even though I have been a bit high-strung lately......just in general...I am bored with ummm people...weird...but...I am like that!
That is it for now...!
Enjoy!

My aspirations & decisions...

Today was a day of revelations...
Usually, I am a very happy person and I am right now as well as I am writing this...

This will be a bit of a contrast to my previous posts but I believe this is what my true calling is.
Personally, I am not giving up on romance or love but I am just putting it on hold till I enter the professional world. I am putting it on hold because I am clearly surrounded by immature men who don't even know the meaning of passion. It is not their fault, it is clearly not. They are just so young that they have't been exposed, but that doesn't mean I will compromise just for the sake of having something.

Also, I realized all these little romances and all...everyone else does that. Reality check, I am better than that. I am above all that. I am above the norm and the common. I have always thrived to be and will continue to be in this aspect of life too.

This is what I have always aimed to be and I don't know what happened my first year in college. I went from being a focused and ambitious girl to being like any other commoner and thinking about romance and love and what all that signifies. Sounds pretty harsh right? But it is a though process...can't help it.
I don't want to be a sweetheart or a sweet babe or a sweety or a cutie or anything along these lines. The point is I am not.

I am a focused and an ambitious woman. I know what I want from my life...I was just a bit distracted these past two semesters, but it is all coming back and I am loving it.

These are my short-term goals:

1) I want to graduate in 3 years with a Bachelors in Integrative Biology and a minor in Business Administration or possibly a major.
2) During this winter, I want to go to India and do some research regarding the AIDS awareness issue and possibly make that my research paper and experience.
3) This summer, I want to work. I want each hour of my day to be filled so that I have no room to waste time on the internet or any such.
4) This summer, I will put in the effort to make our house sell so my parents can move to the house of their dreams.
5) I want to study and be self-disciplined.
6) Come Fall, I want to be as busy as hell and I believe I will be.
7) I will be working two jobs and I have a pretty hectic schedule and I want straight A's so I will achieve them.
8) I want to start studying for GMAT and GRE, so I can have a strong foundation and be satisfied with my results when the time rolls around.
9) By the end of this summer, I want a gorgeous body for my own sake.
10) I want to be mistress of time-managment. I want to learn the ins and the outs.

A bit of the long-term side:

1) I want to get my MBA and MPH (Masters in Public Health) and move on to either working with a government agency or a pharmaceutical company or some non-profit organization.
2) I want to volunteer my time either in India again regarding the AIDS cause or maybe in terms of improving poverty.
3) I want to move to Australia and enjoy my life a bit.
4) I want to be a powerful businesswoman who realizes what it takes to get to the top position.
5) Eventually, I want to be a CEO of the company whose cause I believe in.

*** I want to be a woman who does what she says, achieves what she believes, and becomes what she claims.***

I do not wish to be one among many. I refuse. I will be at the top. I will take advantage of every opportunity presented to me. I will be self-disciplined and not succumb to the innate desires that most people do.

I don't believe my above goals leave much time for romantic philanderings. Sure, flirtations are fine.

Why the above? Because I have realized I want to date powerful men. Men who know what they want from their life, men who share the passions I do, men who are not afraid to *think*, men who treat you as an equal, men who appreciate the power I hold, men who realize what a real woman is, men who are just men rather than boys getting a heady rush from the simplest things.

But this will require patience. I will work on that as well. In the end, I will revert to being myself. The self independent woman who asserts her opinions and does what she thinks is right rather than be influenced by anything anyone else says.

I know what I am. I know I can have anyone I want. I have always had that ability in the past and I retain it now as well. I know I can, but I should just want him enough. Currently, nobody captures my interest to that extent, so I don't put in the effort. Infact, the men I am surrounded by are just not worth my attention but I endowed it on them anyways. I realized my mistake...now to embark on a journey of self-improvement!

***All the women out there, remember that men come and go but your career makes you the woman you are! Never forget this. We often do. ***

Finally, I have always been told I am a gem, but gems are just semi-precious stones that are rare yet quite abundant. I want to be a diamond, the rarest of them all. I know I will be! :)